Angry Little Tank

Rants, chants and cants....all written while wearing no pants!

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Don't put them Depends on girl, he ain't worth it!

In what can only be described as a sad interweaving of Cops, CSPAN, and The Golden Girls, we learned today of an astronaut who drove almost a thousand miles overnight to stalk her boyfriend (who is ALSO an astroanut) and his new girlfriend.

Apparently this woman packed a bunch of trash bags, a knife and a lot of rubber tubing (huh?) in her station wagon and headed out from Houston to Cape Canaveral because she "wanted to talk".

The best part?

Police allege Nowak drove 950 miles (1,529 km) from Houston to Orlando -- wearing adult diapers so she would not have to stop to urinate -- and disguised herself in a dark wig, glasses and trench coat to confront her rival, Colleen Shipman, who according to media reports is a captain in the U.S. Air Force.

Now I'll admit, this guy is kind of hot. I can see myself driving a few hours to do some stalking for him, sure. I gotta draw the line at being so urgent at getting my stalkin on that I plan ahead on pissing in my pants. Repeatedly.

I mean I'm sure the urination situation in space prepares you for some, let's say uncomfortable situations, but how long does it take to stop in at a Wendy's and urinate before you go chop your ex's new girlfriend into a million bits?

I guess the good news is that after spending two weeks in a space capsule she'll be uniquely qualified to deal with the frequent delousings and bouts in solitary confinement she'll be participating in for...let's say....5-10.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I say no to Stupidity Day

I agree 100% with Andrew Sullivan about just turning your back on the idiotic hype that grips the US each year in the form of the "Super Bowl". The pre-game shows that begin at noon. The oh so amusing corporate ads that cost millions. The immense importance all must surely feel in watching heavily padded steroid abusers run a ball up and down an astroturf field in 10 second spurts.

You can keep it.

Anybody who has even a rudimentary knowledge of the game of rugby outside of "don't you guys get naked when you score" knows already that the NFL is a sham. Everything good about team sports has been hyped beyond recognition. Everything is awash in piles of corporate cash. From the bloated millions made by the players to the $6 hot dogs the endless parade of drunken stadium patrons must pay simply for the privelage of watching the whole sorry spectacle.

30 guys on a grass pitch on a crisp fall morning playing two 40 minute halves. Afterwards everyone goes for a pint. I'll go watch that instead thanks.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Fuck the New Republic, or Flip on the light switch and watch them all scatter

I have a confession to make. I used to subscribe to the New Republic. I mean for YEARS. I readily listened to their ramblings about the relationships between the hand of the free market and the spread of democracy throughout the world. I eagerly awaited the next rambling from Provincetown from editor Andrew Sullivan (oh my God, is that what he looks like?! That's one Republican I'd bend over and....), and I never questioned that the opinions of the editors were those of an enlightened and evolved liberal intelligentsia.

Yes we were going to ride Bill Clinton's unique brand of laissez faire economics coupled with common sense social legislation right into the 21st century and beyond. The fact that Newt Gingrich and that gang opposed the entire idea just made it seem that much more attractive.

Then the war happened. Suddenly the real agenda of the New Republic became clear. Keep the liberals on the reservation at all costs. Make them think that their nutty ideas were never going to be taken seriously so the best thing to do would be to just try and go along with whatever the Republicans wanted. Or better yet, try and come up with new and better justifications for going to war than the the neo-cons ever could.

Who can forget the famous cases for war issue of the New Republic with nuclear mushroom cloud on the cover? Their endorsement of Joe Lieberman for president? Their near constant fellating of Bush's war plans. Which war plans you ask? Uhhh..that would be all of them.

One of the greatest joys I had in 2003 was cancelling my subscription after 8 years. I'm taking even greater joy in learning that I wasn't alone. Most people are seeing these jackasses for who they really are and circulation has plummeted to Limbaugh Letter levels.

Of course being caught red handed engaging in sock puppetry or being an outright racist while publishing your vile little screeds doesn't help either.

My new favorite thing to do? Get out the thickest black Sharpie we own and scrawl "Lieberman for President? FUCK YOU!!!" on all of the subscription renewal offers we receive every other week and then mail them back to TNR in the postage paid envelope.

RIP enabling DINO rags..wherever you are.