Angry Little Tank

Rants, chants and cants....all written while wearing no pants!

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Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, August 25, 2006


The Friday Wiki - Homecoming Edition

Angry Little Tank is taking a break for the next 10 days as I go on vacation. My itinerary this year is five days visiting family in beautiful downtown Melbourne Florida followed by the obligatory four day trip to Provincetown Mass.

My mother moved us to Florida in 1986 after a particularly nasty divorce in Pittsburgh. She loaded up the VW Rabbit with her three kids and drove the 20 hours down to Melbourne in August of 1986. The first thing you notice? Florida is really really hot.

Ever since then, whenever I tell people here in the blue state world that I moved to the northeast from Melbourne I always get "where is that?". Well listen up people because here is all you'll ever need to know about the sleepy little community known as Melbourne Florida. You may want to get a strong caffeinated beverage before you begin.

As you can see by the little red dot on the attached map, Melbourne is located on the east coast of Florida right below Cape Canaveral. The 70 miles of beaches we have in Brevard County is collectively known as the "Space Coast". A cute enough reference to the nearby dying space industry, until you've been jarred awake at 4am by a shuttle launch sonic boom rattling every window in your home. And for some reason shuttles are launched at 4am A LOT.

Melbourne is a town of about 75,000 people who enjoy these beaches. In fact there's not much else to enjoy in Melbourne besides these really kick ass beaches. I used to run on the beach in high school when I was on the cross country team. We'd drive out to the beach at night to hang out. We all had incredibly deep tans year round.

That's about the only positive thing I can tell you about Melbourne unfortunately. Most of the people who live there are either rednecks or retired military people from nearby Patrick Air Force Base. It makes for a very cranky and ignorant populace.

We have a mall and a movie theater. There is one nightclub that thinks it's still 1986 and that people in Melbourne want to feel like they're on the set of Miami Vice. I remember karaoke bars being overly prevalent. As in every single place you went had a thin mulleted little ratfaced dude wailing away drunk on some tortured hair metal rocker. I distinctly remember walking in quite stoned to a bar one mile from our house while home from college one year to the shrill greeting of a 250 pound man with his shirt off on the bar with a microphone asking me "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY! YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEE!!!"

I fled the scene immediately.

The cops seemed pretty bored too. I remember having my bicycle in the back of my truck (yes I drove a pickup truck, I went native sue me) and running into 7-11 one night. When I came out a cop was writing down my license plate into a pad. "Where did you get this bike?" Uhhh...its my bike. "Can you prove it?" Uhhh..no and I don't have to..I'm driving home now. "I'm watching you tough guy". Whatever, goodnight Enus!

Still despite all this, I AM kind of looking forward to going home. Since successfully pulling off my escape in 1994 I haven't been back to Melbourne and frankly I'm curious to see it again. Its always good to catch up with Mom and my brother just had a new baby.

But at the end of five days I'm getting the hell out of there to party my ass off in P-town. Til then!

2 Comments:

Blogger Casey said...

God speed to you, in Mel-Born (versus Mel-Been)

1:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I raise a Miller Light in your honor for having escaped and having had the perspicacity for having waited before returning.

1:53 AM  

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